Saying Booooobiiiieeees is so fun!!

The part of this that I've had the most fear about so far involves the two little people in my life who mean the world to me...the kidlets, the kiddos, Annika and Josh. I honestly think that our involvement in Kelly's life over the past 6 months has prepared us for this moment in ways I could have never imagined.

When Kelly was diagnosed and we were delivering soup and just stopping by to say hello to her (less than 6 months ago), it opened a barrage of questions that I wasn't quite expecting. Annika was concerned that cancer is contagious and was scared to death of being around someone who was losing their hair. As they got to know Kelly a bit, they got significantly more comfortable and began asking about her a lot. Annika always asked to see pictures so she could see how she looked bald and especially when her hair started growing back in recently. She was always pleasantly surprised at how beautiful Kelly looked in the pictures. I had to photoshop them quite a bit to get there but you have to do what you have to do.  Kidding! ALL of my friends are super HOT with or without hair :) Anyway, Annika started becoming slightly enamored with Kelly and her new 'do, as recently as last week. I had no idea the role that would play this week.

I had a lot of anxiety today, knowing that it was THE DAY that I had to tell the kids. Here's how it played out...

I had an appointment to get my IUD switched out this morning since I had Mirena and can't have the hormones during chemo. My NP, Coleen O'Donnell is AMAZING and made room for me in her schedule. She also gave me the back line to the office, cell phone numbers and personal numbers of people involved in my treatment, giving me such a feeling of confidence that these people see me as a person, not a patient. She is taking my situation very personally and has assured me that I am getting the best care possible. So the procedure was quick, the cramping severe, but I was on my merry way in no time. In fact, it happened so fast that I wasn't so sure what to do with myself until my MRI. So I shopped a little (duh) and checked out the new Trader Joe's. That just made me happy :)

Then I got to have an MRI-yay!! The MRI is to determine if there are any additional abnormalities to biopsy when they go in. Bottom line, MRI's suck. I had a contrast MRI so I was hooked to an IV so they could put the contrast dye in the breast tissue. I was in that sucker for 45 minutes! The sheet on the bed smelled like a wet dog and all I could think of was how dogs have been really attached to me recently....for 45 whole minutes...that's what I thought about. Seriously. Not that I have cancer, or how to tell my kids, but dogs. I'm losing it :)

When all was said and done, I asked how quickly it could be read. I was informed that the normal radiologist was on vacation. Note to all of you: If you decide to get cancer, please do not do it during the summer months when EVERYONE is on vacation! I expressed my concern, told them Monday is not acceptable and I am waiting, wishing that the back-up radiologist lights a fire under it... I'll probably be calling again tomorrow :) They did send me home with (stupid) books for kids to help them with the news.

That was the easy part of my day.

I picked Josh up at preschool and spent a few minutes telling his director (who has become a close, amazing friend) the news before I went in to get him. I asked her to please just keep an eye on him moving forward. The pickup for both kids was rather uneventful. We made plans to go out for sushi after we dropped off our stuff at the house. I knew I had a tight window and I had to make my move when we got home. I told the kids that I had something I wanted to talk to them about. They both hesitantly joined me on the couch and I just laid it all out there.

How could I underestimate these amazing little people? Annika asked poignant questions and Josh simply asked if I needed more hugs. That's who I am raising and I couldn't be more pleased about it.
Annika was very concerned because people always call her 'mini-me'. She pointedly asked 'Will I have cancer too when I grow up, Mom? You know, I AM your mini-me...' Shit! Really????? I promised myself that I WOULD NOT CRY! I didn't. I choked it back and simply answered 'I sure hope not sweetie'. Last night I read a stat that if I test BRCA positive, there is a 50% chance she will get it...FIFTY PERCENT?! That is bullshit. Not my kid. Although I'm guessing my Mom and Dad are saying that too right now... Please cross fingers that the stupid test comes back negative.

Anyway, we talked a lot about the hair...and boobies. They think it is so great that they are now allowed to say that word when we talk about cancer. ONLY when we talk about cancer. It makes it fun, right? And since my Mommy and their Dad's mommy are breast cancer survivors, they wanted to know what their boobies look like. So we giggled that Nana and Grandma have old lady boobies...heehee (Sorry Mom and Ann :) We needed the laugh) My favorite part of our conversation was when i asked them who they thought said they'd shave their head with me. They shrugged and when I said 'Gramps', Josh nearly peed his pants. Ger has been bald for...EVER :) In fact, I think I have a pretty good idea what I'll look like bald now... :) Josh was still giggling about it when he went to bed.

We went out for sushi, ice cream and came home to watch a movie. As most of you who see me live my life know, that's pretty normal for us. I sang them both to sleep, tucked them in and followed our routine as normal. Sigh. That wasn't so tough :)

I know there are more conversations and questions to come, but our communication as a family tonight was priceless.

As many of you know, Steve and I have been divorced for 4 years. I call him cp (coparent) when referring to him with others because I think it just sounds nicer than 'ex-husband'.  He lives with his wonderful girlfriend, Lauren. Not to be confused with my sister, Lauren, who just married Mike a few weeks ago.... (I'll be sure to post a 'cast list' in the near future) Anyway, we are amazing co-parents. I hate to brag, but we are really awesome as a co-parenting family. I am so thankful that Steve and Lauren have really been fantastic support even over just the past week in helping with the kids and asking about my treatment. We have communicated about how we'll handle the discussions and they have both reassured me that they will step in whenever it is necessary. What a HUGE relief to know that it is not a conflicted situation and that we are truly acting as a supportive loving, albeit dysfunctional, family. Our children are so lucky :) And honestly, so am I.

That's all for tonight, folks. Please stay tuned for the next edition which will hopefully come with some answers and a plan for action!

xoxo Shelley